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It truly is amazing

how little you really care...

how quickly you can forget me

as if i was never even there;

my body is broken...

my heart is in two...

it bleeds a little more

with each and every beat

it's all because of you;

you brought me in

then tossed me out

you make me crazy

you make me shout

i'd just walk away

but i can't i must stay

i may be broken...

black and blue

but i'm here

right here

All because of you

I never mean the things i say when they come out wrong....
I never mean to hurt the people I love but I do...
I never mean to lie even tho thats all i kno...
I never meant to fall in love when all I can do is hate...
I can never seem to make anyone happy, all i do is make them cry. They will never admit to such cruelties out loud, but I am the cause of their pain.
But i myself am in pain as well... I suffer here in silence. I die each and every minute. I bleed black, and cry in blue. I find myself lost and hopelessly devoted to the one who has broken me... My life is based on dramatics, this is simply one more...


I am so sorry, I never meant to hurt you.-m.s.

I don't know why i'm not good enough-z.s.

I really wish you could see me.-l.m.

I know that i'm making a mistake, so STOP FUCKING TELLING ME!!!!!!-l.s., a.h., b.b., c.c., n.p., a.c., m.s.

I will get better, it will simply take time-b.b., a.c.

I don't mean to annoy, but you do mean to lie so its only fair-z.s.

I never wanted to lie to you, someday you will kno the truth-a.c.

I don't need a mother, I need a best friend-c.c.

I don't need anyone else but you, forever and always-a&p




Please don't take offense to the words that may mean nothing. I only ask for acceptance. I only want to be wanted. I know its wrong for me to want you to be the guy you can't be, but it is still nice to think that you can be him, that you can be better, that you can be who i kno you are... please just stop and ask yourself are you really happy being hated or maybe just maybe, am I right?

Have i fallen from grace? Have i becomce lost in an endless dark oblivion? Am I dead to the world? I have lost my way, I have done far worse deeds than anyone could ever imagine. I wish to right the wrongs, make things right. But somehow the only way i see for this to be is to let go of what I just got back... well i'm not letting go! Im holding on, tighter than i ever have before!!!!!!!!!

They tell you that you will get better, that you will grow and heal. What you need to know is: They All Lie!!!! The pain never goes away, the heartache, the sadness it stays, burning a hole through you, killing you.
How can you survive in a place where you are being held prisoner?
How are you supposed to move on?

YOu don't, or at least I never have. I have loved him and only him for centuries it feels like. My heart bleeds everyday because I know I can never have him again... he doesn't want me... I am nothing without him....

I don't know what I am to do.....

Everything's gonna be alright.... is it? Is it really? i'd like to believe so. I've just graduated high school, I have the most amazing friends in the world, a pretty alright job, and a crazy wonderful guy: yeah i'd say that's alright! Life's tough most of the time, but as long as you can keep your head above water, eventually you'll learn to swim...

 

sorry to be so philisophical, but im pretty optimistic right now, now that's not to say that im gonna get a text within the next hour that will completely destroy my mood, Im hoping not! But yeah life in general is pretty alright. Went to the movies with Oz, Levi, Justin, Cass, and Tea last night. Saw Night @ the Museum... I liked it, they did a good job. Oz kept poking me though so then we had a war... which i won! And then there was a baby in front of us, she was so cute! Oz told me not to talk to her, but i couldn't help it! Hung out with my Zach-la too! Oh, I love him so much. i just wish i could be with him more, but everytime we try that we always end up fighting, so its better to just see each other in small doses even if it does kill me being away from him! Wow... this is my first entry in like a year... and I think my last one was about Lonnie or something... Man that kid... he's crazy but i heart him! Anyway.... i think im done wasting your lovely time, next entry i'll make sure to make really interesting!!!!!

 

Luvziez

Cemie!

What if you woke up one morning and went to the doctors.

He looked you in the face and said you had one week to live,

What do you do?

 

Do you spend it with friends and loved ones?

Tell them how much you love them and you hope they have amazing lives even though your about to lose yours forever?

Do you follow your favourite band around on their tour and finally meet them on your last day?

Do you do all the extreme things you never thought you would do otherwise?

 

Or do you do nothing?

Say nothing...

Tell no one...

Be nothing?

 

What if you met someone?

Someone insignificant...

Someone you didn't even know existed?

But they know you...

They've always known you...

They've always been there...

Since day one...

What if this person could save you?

What if this person was your angel?

	to convince urself that ur better, that the pain is gone, but then u look in the mirror, and see all the mistakes that killed you

	HAS BEEN FUCKING RIPPED OUT, THROWN IN A BLENDER, SET TO PUREY, THEN DRANKEN, AND THROW UP BY THE ONE WHO RIPPED IT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW HE STANDS THERE AND POINTS AND LAUGHS AT MY FOOLISHNESS! I HATE MYSELF, I'M SO STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW COULD I FALL SO HARD FOR SOMEONE, I NEVER REALLY KNEW??? I DIE FROM THE INSIDE!!!!

My Love!

This is for Lonny who owns my heart! I gave my heart to you my Love, And then it split in two, I gave my heart to you my Love, And then my heart turned blue, You told me you loved me, You told me you cared, You told me you loved me, And then you left me there. My heart, it bleeds, Inside & Out, I try to scream, I try to shout, You keep me still and locked away, In this darkness I will stay, Hiding, Dying, Broken & Sad, You see my tears, They make you glad, I fight to stay in the light, But you beat me, you defeat me, I cry, I die, The coo of a dove, Do you really care? Because you have killed me, My Love!

to hate
to love
to live
to die

i crawl in a corner
i let myself cry

i lie awake and think of u
i think of how my heart's in 2

you loved me
you hated me
you told me to die

so now i'm in a corner
letting my self cry

May 30, 2007- Back at the 'Rents' place

Alex had dropped my off in his silver Volvo.  I didn't drive to school; I had sold my own Ford Taurus for money because it was a gas hog anyway.  My mother didn't quite understand my reasons.

 

"Why are you selling it? Don't you drive it?"

"No mom, Alex takes me everywhere."

"What about work?"

"Mom, we both work at the same place, only he usually stays up front to answer phones."

"Oh, right. Okay but what if you two break..."

I was doing dishes in the kitchen at the time with her directly behind me so i was able to spin around fast enough to prevent that sentence from being finished.  But of course i wasn't able to put my hand over her mouth like i had wished mainly because of my balance problem so i tripped instead and she had to catch me.

"Don't say that."  My expression was hard as I turned back to my work.

"All I'm saying is the things we cherish don't always last, Tay."  I didn't have to gaze upon her face to see her frown. When I didn't respond she left to go to the study.

"You're wrong." It was a whisper but said more for my own benefit then to contradict her.

 

That conversation had taken place nearly five months previous and yet i can still remember it clear as day, especially while doing the dishes.

I had to be at work by 4:00, so to make the most of my time and prepare my parents for the worst, (the best in my opinion), I began to wrap potatoes in foil and place them in the oven, then put steaks in the fridge to marinate.  I wrote a note to my parents giving them directions to where they could find dinner and to expect Alex there after we got off work.

I put my TAI cd in the living room stereo, (the best speakers in the entire town were located here), and laid back on the couch to rest and go over exactly what I was going to say to my parents.

The next thing I became conscious of was the very gentle touch of a finger down my nose.  I wrinkled it in complaint and heard a faint chuckle.  He did it to me again, but I still did not move; we both knew what I was waiting for.

"Alright then."  I always could tell when he was smiling just by his voice.

I felt I light brush against my cheek with his hand, then slowly, but surely the comforting feeling of his lips against mine.

I opened my eyes slowly after the moment had passed. "Took you long enough, Lex." I strecthed and rose into a sitting position.

He balanced his elbow on the arm-rest while leaning his face onto his hand, swiftly.  It always was a bit unsettling how he was so much more graceful than I.  "Well, you know, we're not all mind readers here."

"That's right," I turned to my cat who had mosied lazly in from the piano room, "sorry Spot, you'll just have to keep wondering."

Alex shook his head and smiled.  "Come on you, we're going to be late."

He carried me all the way out to the car.

Laughing and talking and happiness

These are things I do not know

For if I did I’m sure they would show

But it doesn’t for I do not have it

To be among friends

Have a smile on my face

To be happy and full of grace

I am alone here in this place

Of happiness and fun

I try to join in but when

I do their game is already done.

I hate this place so much I do

I wish I could runaway

They wouldn’t even notice

The girl who sat and wrote all day

They wouldn’t tell that I had gone

They’d all still laugh and have their fun

But when the news got out that I had died

Then they would care

Then they would hide

For they would be scared that I would return

And know it was they

Who had forgotten the girl who sat and wrote all day

Life goes by in a blind of an eye;

You wonder why you want to cry;

You feel the pain, the sorrow, the loss;

You want to stay, to just remain;

Your fear comes from deep inside;

The family ties start to stretch,

Start to unbind;

It’s time to leave, to be on your own,

Face the world and universe unknown;

 

A life alone;

A life to hide;

Be brave, be strong, be wise;

The world: a strange, scary place,

Full of dangers that must be faced;

The gray hair comes with aches and pains,

Wrinkled skin and moldy dentures;

To grow up sounds like an absolute awful adventure        

I close my eyes and breath,

I try to run away but my fear

is catching up,

I almost drown within my soul,

But then he comes to save me,

He fights away my fears and pain,

He holds me and tells me I’m okay,

I look to him with a troubled mind,

 

In my sleep I seek out his guidance,

Alone in the darkness I lose myself,

I can’t think,

I can’t breath,

And yet I feel safe,

I know my hero is

There watching over me,

When I find myself gone,

Forgotten in that oblivion of dark,

Chaotic pain,

He comes and lifts me up,

He will always be there forever

why waz i born me? i think god really screwed up there! idk, just idk!

actually life sux then u complain about it, then god makes u live longer just to spite u! haha, yeah this is random but oh so true!!!!!!

May 30, 2007 (Lunchtime)

"So what's the big news?"  My sister Ashley stood across from me in our usual circle glancing around barely realizing that she was addressing me.

"Well, since you asked. Alex, if you please." I leaned back to provide him more room.

He slowly reached into his back pocket, lifted his arm, and then bam, held the tickets out for everyone to see. "Ta freaken Da!!!!!!!!"

Silent pause.  I looked at everyone to see looks of shock and amazement but they all seemed to have forgotten we were even there.  All of our friends, including Alix (the girl) seemed to be stuck in a trance, watching something.  Alex and I glanced at each other then in the direction where everyone's heads were turned.  As my gaze fell upon what apparantly was more important then our concert tickets, I felt myself roll my eyes. "Oh brother. Not again."  My sister had discovered what she was looking for, Geoffrey, her latest, and hopeful permanent, boyfriend.  They were both tongue deep in a very serious make-out session and I was stomach deep in very serious nausea.  "Do you two mind? We're kind of trying to discuss something very important here if you hadn't noticed."

"Oh Taylor, chillax!" My sister's tone was quite bothered.

"Okay, well since you're up for air anyway do you mind if we continue?"  She glared and stuck her tongue out at me to which my reply was, "Um no thanks, that's what I have Alex for."

"Like I was offering?"

I rolled my eyes. "Anyway, as we were saying, Alex."

He produced the tickets from his pocket again but with a little less enthusiam, the moment had already been shattered into a million pieces of boring and if they were expecting an encore I guess they'll just have to keep waiting.

"Oh my god! You got the tickets!"

"Yeah Ash, that's what we were trying to tell you before..." I shuddered as I tried to push the horrid memory from my mind.

"Uh, you guys are totally unfair. I hate you all!"

"Kaiyla, we tried to get you a ticket remember but you're mom said you couldn't go."

"That's right. And then when we tried to get you to sneak out using my cleverly thought of plan," Adam, Kaiyla's boyfriend paused to bask in the glory that was his brilliance, or so he thought. "you didn't want to go along with it."

"I know but it's still not fair that you're all going."

"Um, yeah, hello. I'm not going." Alix crossed her arms in a matter-of-fact sort of way. "Matt's coming in to town and we're going to hang out that weekend."

"Tommy and I aren't going either." Kelly gave Kaiyla a small smile.

"Only 'cuz he has a gig and you're going to that. By the way I can't go to that either. My mom grounded me for another month cuz I was on the phone with you until 5:32 last night."

"What!" Adam looked appalled. "That's ridiculous! It's only two freaken minutes!"

"I know, but think about what she would have done had I been on the phone with you."

"Good point. But I was really looking forward to hanging out that night."

"Wait, you're not going to the concert?"

"No. I wanted to suprise you by showing up there but I guess that's not happening." He kicked at the invisble dirt on the ground. Kaiyla gave him a hug to tell him that it was alright.

Realization struck me. "Um Alex, how many tickets did you get?"

"Only 4. Everyone else bailed just in time to save me some money. Oh yeah sorry you can't go but thanks." He looked a little guilty but grateful none-the-less.

"Wait, just the 4 of us?" I turned my head towards Ashley in shock.  Her and Geoff were going at it again so she didn't notice my not-quite-fake vomiting actions.

"I'm sure everything will be o..." But Alex was cut off

"We're taking separate cars." I don't think I had ever been more serious in my life.

"kay. Um, okay but isn't that a waste of gas?"

"I don't care! I'll pay it. We're taking separate cars."

"Alright then. If you say so."

"I do, you know I do."

"Hey guys, the buses are here." Alix yelled from over her shoulder from 15 feet away.

"Okay, we'll walk down there with you. We have to get going anyway." Alex turned back to me with a half-hearted smile on his face. "Ready?"

"To die?" I looked up into his eyes and regretted saying it immediately.

"She's really not that bad."

"I know and I love her to death, really I do, it's just... Well you know how we get when we go on trips."

"Yes, yes I do." He eyes fogged over as I saw him remember our last trip to Phoenix.  It was for Mother's Day and we were going down to see my Aunt and Uncle.  We stayed for two days so my parents decided to stay in a hotel. Well for some reason they had the bright idea to stick the girls in one room and our guys in the other, (parents wont' they ever learn it's safer to do the co-ed thing). So everything was fine until Ashley switched World's Best Videos on IMF which was playing Taking Back Sunday's Liar, to Fuse which was playing Sean Kingston's Beautiful Girls and that's when the chaos started.  It was a little vague and I myself don't remember much but there was something about the t.v. being throw from the window and landing in the pool. Nightmare!

"Well this time, your parents won't be there and I'm sure she'll be too busy with Geoffrey," He imitated her voice pretty good,"anyway."

"Yeah, I guess you're right." I sighed as he put his arms around my waist and we walked towards the parking lot.

"Can't this thing go any faster?!"

"Alex, if we go faster, we'll lift off. Just chill we'll get there in time."  I kept my eyes on the road as I reassured Alex that nothing could make us late for the greatest concert ever.  Wait, wait, wait; I'm getting ahead of myself here. Let's start from the beginning.

May 30, 2007 (a.k.a- the last day of skool. hellz yeah!)

I paced back and forth in front of my Algebra 2 class in eager anticipation.  Every so often I looked up to see Mr. Harvey or Mr. Petticrew glance out from their classroom windows to check on me.  I was 16, why the hell did I need babysitters?! I took a deep breath and leaned against the wall. 'Any second now' I thought to myself while trying to calm my nerves. I heard the door behind me open and I spun around so fast I had to catch myself so as to not fall to the floor.

"Taylor, what are you doing?"

"It just so happens Crew that I'm waiting for the most important news that I could ever recieve in my entire life!"

"Well, why are you standing in the middle of the hall? You keep pacing like a hungry cougar."

"Cute Crew, real cute." I rolled my eyes at him and then I heard it. It was a distant noise but I recognized it without trouble.

"Oh my gosh, oh my freaken gosh!"

I took a few small steps toward the center of the hallway, craning my neck to see just beyond the corner wall.

"Tay, Tay! I got them! I got them!"  Just then, the most amazing person in the world (next to Adam Lazzara, of course) flew into my line of vision. I watched as he ran towards at full speed and felt a smile break out over my face.

"Um, don't you think you ought to move out of the way."

"Crew, you worry to much. It's no wonder you have so many wrinkles." He gave me his usual open-mouthed, pathetic hurt face which I ignored.  At that moment I was too elated with complete bliss to worry about such things.  "Alex, you mean to tell me that, that..."

"Yes, yes. We're going to the concert! I've got the tickets right here!"  As he approached me with the speed of a baby cheetah, he gracefully swept me off my feet and into an embracing hug.

"I can't believe it." Exasperated, I turned the tickets over and over again in my hands, feeling their simple texture in my fingertips. I glanced up towards Alex and gave him a sly smile. "Have I mentioned how amazing you are?"

He shrugged. "Maybe once or twice." He shook his shoulder-length dirty blond hair out of his face revealing his perfectly gorgeous smile and his ocean-colored eyes that always seemed to make me melt.

"Okay then, have I thanked you for being so amazing?"

He leaned down towards me and lifted my chin as though to kiss me. "Not yet."

I smiled but just as the magic was about to happen sunlight danced through the beautiful darkness cursing it back into its corner.

"Hey, no PDA! School rules! You two should know better by now." We both threw Petticrew an evil glance that would have torn his soul out and sent it to the depths of Hell had it not been for the little saying, 'if looks could only kill'. "Come on separate.  10 inches."

"10 inches! No way man! I'll die. I swear to Cameron I will!" Alex looked like he'd been slapped in the face.  "You can't make me move! You can't, you can't, you can't!"

I supressed a giggle as I released the love of my life and gentely pushed him back.  We didn't need anymore detentions for Public Displays of Affection, although they were quite worth it. Hehe!  "Lexi, it's okay. You will live I promise. Besides, we only have what another hour of school left anyway."

"Yeah, but an hour is a really long time. Do you know how long an hour is TayBay?"

"Um, 60 minutes."

"Exactly! An entire 60 minutes without you.  It's like not breathing for 60 minutes. I don't think I can do it."

I rolled my eyes and sighed. For a quiet little punk kid, my boyfriend was extremely dramatic. "Okay, if you don't think you can do it,"  I slipped my hand into his. "Then breathe."

He gave me an apologetic smile and looked at the ground to show that he felt stupid for acting so childish.  I laughed and shook my head and then lead him back down the hall towards the foyer.

 

 

i really don't like levi anymore, really i don't. i don't want to tell him that tho cuz it will crush him and he doesn't need anymore pain right now. but i can't be with him, i just can't. and this isn't one of those oh he's available now so he's not interesting anymore, i honestly don't feel that way about him. i truly don't. and i wish there was an easy way of telling him that, but there isn't. i have to tell him, sooner rather than later cuz if i wait until later who knows what ordeal i might have to go through and then if later comes its going to be much harder to make him get over me. he's me best mate so i do care about him just not in the way he cares about me. oh i do hope this goes well this afternoon, but if it doesn't i'll just have to deal with losing another friend, something i should totally be used to by now, right? well we'll find out later.

 

*hugs&not-so-smiles*

Piper

NO ONE! that's who. no one fuckin cares any more. just no one. i'm not sure if i even care anymore. i have nothing to care about and nothing anyone would want to care about. i hopeless. i'm a sham. i hate myself cuz i'm so pathetic. here i sit now, writing this, trying to figure out why the hell i'm such a horrible person. i can't do anything right and when i do something wrong i just runaway from it. like if i ignore it, it will go away. it won't though. it never does. well kevin's gone thank god. levi's gone too, and with him he took my heart. i don't think i ever really loved him not the way mariah does, but we did have our own thing and no one could ever explain it. no one ever knew what it was, not even us. we always wanted to tell one another how we felt but we knew that if we did it would fuck up everything. it would all become a mess and our happy little piece of shit lives would be over and we would lose each other forever. but look at us now, we already lost each other. he doesn't know me anymore and i don't even know where the hell he is! you know sometimes life really sux! i don't hate myself enough to die i just wish i could change, i wish ppl could see that change and except it for the better. but no one ever keeps me the time of day, i'm not allowed to change, cuz no one cares! i could day today and do you know who would show up at my funeral? FUCKING NO ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT'S WHO!!!!!!!!! it sux not really having a life, i am living but that not really having a life. but i can't have a life cuz i'm too damned chicken to go live it. unlike my sister. whom i think is over her justin and is now with our justin, the one i don't mind and i'm friends with. i think it's great, cuz now i think they've finally found ppl who will make them happy and i know neither one will hurt the other. they couldn't stand anymore pain as it is so i think this will be could for them, the only down fall would be the fact that they depend too much on the other person that they tear each other apart, that they kill themselves emotionally. i'm like best friends with them both so i should help but as it is i never know where the hell they ever are and kyle, justin's younger brother is like obsessed with me or something and he kind of creeps me out considering i've never even met him! the summer is going by too fast it needs to slow down. i don't want to go back to school. i hate school! i know it's the only thing i've ever been good at but not anymore, now i suck! i hate having to be around ppl who hate me, who dont' understand me or who just ignore me in hopes that i'll leave, well guess the fuck what?! i can't leave i'm stuck here i have no where i could go. i've wanted so many times to runaway cuz i hate it here so much sometimes and i hate the ppl and i just have to leave but i never do. i don't know where i would go. i have no where to go. i used to but not anymore, not since my life took it's turn for the worst. lost for eternity!

piper